spending next semester in Paris.
so excited!

i never do this, but i couldn't resist this one.

my favorite romantic movie scene is this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2tqVQX_H3c&feature=PlayList&p=C86CE7133BAE4082&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

because Harold Crick is dorky and weird and awkward and Anna Pascal is beautiful and wild and bitter.  and Harold does the most romantic thing he could possibly think of - to bring the baker...flours.  

not to mention the movie is amazing.  it's in my top 5, and if you haven't seen it, you should.

i'm making the switch to wordpress
after 3 years of this journal
and 4 before that of another
if you'd like to follow me over,
here's the link:
http://augustinerose.wordpress.com/
i'll be keeping this journal,
for the sake of a couple of communities
but i'll be updating over there.
good luck to everyone
it's been a great run.

here is what i wrote
two years ago last night:
"was that a date?"
and it was, as it turns out
watching the first Transformers movie
(for free!) and sitting at
Starbucks, talking, talking, talking
until it was time to go home
two years ago,
when i was insecure and
ready to run away
still hurting from paul
and along came this boy
with bright blue eyes that
crinkle when he smiles,
and a silly little laugh
with skinny wrists and knobbled hands
who taught me what it really means
to be in love.
last night we went to Summerfest
and danced on the benches at Guster
with his arms around my waist
pressing kisses against my ear
two years already
i can say without blinking
that they have been the best of my life
and we've got our differences,
passed the "honeymoon" period
and had fights and annoyances
but because of that,
he knows exactly who i am
and chooses to love me anyway.
i can't think of any better reason
to be with someone.
so two years have passed,
and i am looking forward
to the next two, and the next two
and the rest of our lives
because i can't wait to see where we go.

and so it is,
that three days after
David's wedding,
Ryan is about to propose to Liz
i can't help feeling somewhat jealous -
i am eager for when it is
my turn to become a Russell;
still, i am thrilled for them
i know they will be a beautiful couple
and this time, fingers crossed,
i'll be seen as more a part
of the family.

Micah's brother is getting married today
at 2:30 in the afternoon
in the church where he met his fiance
and in a little while, i will put on my
lavender dress and green pearls
and go.
is it strange that i should feel a little
selfish, a little annoyed,
that Micah is a groomsman and an
usher and a clean up man?
that i won't get to talk to him until
after the wedding, the pictures,
the cocktail hour, the dinner...
maybe, if i'm lucky, by 8 he'll actually
have time for me.
i feel like such an outsider to that family
even after almost 2 years.
i know that i don't have a ring on my
finger, but do they even realize
how awkward today will be for me?
since i don't know anyone
who will be there, because they have
made a distinct effort to keep me from
meeting extended family. 
i wish that i could just skip it
and show up at 8 pm
it would be better than sitting alone
for the ceremony, twiddling
my thumbs afterwards, and
sitting at the "kids table" with the
assorted children of friends
that they didn't know what else to do with.
oh, just don't mind me.
i'm just grumpy because they also
decided to renovate their entire house in 2
weeks, including carpets and walls,
so i haven't spent any real time with Micah
since getting home from school
and i miss him. 
i should console myself with the fact that
after today it will be over;
after today he'll have time for me again.
i just wish it was never a question of him
"having time" for me...i wish that i could
take priority, at least sometimes.
i'm keeping my fingers crossed that
someday, i will be the priority...
though it seems like that won't be
until our own wedding.

campus is empty
it grew cold and grey today
and i have packed my life away
into a corner of the storage room
and three bags to take home with me
i met some friends for dinner last night
and walked across the bridge at
sunset, loving the way the heat and
haze made the city glitter
as the sky turned red and purple
my cab will be here in 10 minutes
and i'll be on my way.

it is a delightfully hot and sunny day outside
the kind that makes you want to sit in the shade
all afternoon, wearing cotton skirts
and maybe drinking some lemonade.
i had my last exam this morning;
it was very hard, and far too long,
but it's over now.
i'll be home in 48 hours,
finally finally.
you've missed some things in these last
few days; last Monday night, while i was
waiting for rehearsal to begin, my father
called me and told me that my mom was
in the hospital. 
she's all right now, but it was a scary couple
of days.  she had a perforated ulcer,
needed emergency surgery, a week in the
hospital...all of that fun stuff.
she's home, resting for a few weeks
healing before she can go back to work.
i got a part time job for the summer -
i'll be working in a lab, doing
research on corticosteroids in rats.
if you have no idea what that means, don't worry.
i'm just excited because it will be fun for me.
Micah's job hunting as i write -
he's been home for a week already,
spending time with family and friends
i'm going crazy wanting to be back. 
i can't believe (truly, i CAN'T)
that i'm halfway done with MIT - where is my time going?
it's been two years already, and only
two more to go.  before another
God knows how many....hurray for med school!
3 1/2 hours of sleep have left me somewhat
incoherent. 

cross posted from lettergraveyard 

( three long letters, for the three men i have loved )

raining just a little,
the whole night
smells like wet pavement
and fresh grass
8 days of classes left
18 days until i go home
i am thinking of the summertime -
all my nights full of
warm rain, and haloed streetlights
sitting on a bench swing
made by four boys for their mother
watching the purple-orange clouds
walks on the Milwaukee pier,
seeing the whole city lit up
stars bound to the shoreline
deep dark waves rolling
remembering nights on Lake Erie
stripping to our underwear (or less) and running
across the cement
flying for just an instant - !
landing in the water, felt like
landing in the sky
and floating black water
doesn't seem frightening
when it shines with the stars
like living inside a crystal ball -
everything reflecting and deflecting.
this summer,
we will lie naked in my bed
on humid summer evenings
sticky, too hot, but
lying close together anyway
i will turn the fan up high,
so we can doze off listening to it hum
i am looking forward to a beautiful three months.

feeling kind of down
it's a cool evening in early May
and i'm home, alone
as per usual
i spent four glorious days in St. Louis
not so long ago,
celebrating my birthday with Micah
one afternoon the sun was very bright
and the breeze was warm
so we sat outside next to a pond on campus
and put our hands in the water
to tease the coy fish
later we did homework
sitting on a blanket on the floor
until i got too bored
and started trying to raspberry his stomach
needless to say,
that ended in much wrestling, laughter,
and breathlessness.
i turned 20 on the 23
and yet again, i have to say -
i do not feel different.
it was a fairly low-key affair;
Micah was in rehearsal, so he did not
call at midnight.  my friends were all working
or gone.
so i came home after my own rehearsal
and slipped quietly into my second decade of life,
alone
life has been difficult, lately
too much work, and too little sleep
and insecurities long banished rearing their heads again
when i stay up late, waiting for a phone call
waiting to hear him say "i love you"
and when he does call, i know that he means it
so much that it hurts to think about
so i don't understand why in between times
i can't shake my sadness, and loneliness.
perhaps tonight is just worse;
he is singing in his spring concert this evening
in front of hundreds of SLU students
and his friends, and girls who will
get drunk later, and hang on the arms
of the acappella boys.
a year ago i was in the audience too;
i wish i could be again.
usually i fool myself into believing that we are
sharing our lives;
but my make-believe doesn't make it real
the reality is,
we are not.  we have separate friends, separate
classes, separate cities, separate everything.
we can't cook together, study together,
relax together, sleep together
i want to experience his world with him,
not through him.
i want him to experience mine.
mostly right now
i want to be sitting in the audience
with a proud smile on my face
because he's up there singing his heart out
and he's all mine.

today, it is
Easter morning
which doesn't mean much to me,
since i don't believe in Jesus
(don't get me wrong, he was
a great guy, i just don't know about
the whole divine/human thing)
today, a year ago
i woke up in my bed at home
and my sister showed me
our family Easter basket
full of candy and small treats
and i helped my mother make breakfast
today, i woke up
in a room that was too cold
because the heater has been turned
off for the season, and the wind
is blowing something fierce.  so
today, i am sitting
at my desk wearing
sweatpants and a robe
and a hot water bottle on my lap
wondering if i should care about Jesus
and whether or not Christianity works.
Micah is at church, believing
and i am here, wondering if my
not-believing is going to have to become
believing in order for this to work.
last summer my best friend's boyfriend of
almost 3 years broke up with her
because of religious differences.
sometimes it's easy to forget that
Micah believes so strongly in his God
because he doesn't show any of the
typical signs -
no Catholic guilt, he is not anti-choice,
no attempts to convert me.
but i know that it is strange to him
that i don't need to find God.
he doesn't seem to understand that
God doesn't need to be God;
God is just as easily love, or respect,
or honesty, or beauty.
God doesn't need to have a son
to prove to me that my life is a gift;
God doesn't need me to feel indebted
for me to be grateful.
i don't believe in Christ, the Eucharist, the Bible
i believe in happiness, and  sunshine,
and smiling at a stranger,
and changing the world by being
the best person you can be.
God doesn't need to have a voice, or a
face, or a hand on my shoulder.
he's already given me everything i could ask for,
beautiful and ugly.
it would be arrogant to assume that he has
the time to listen to my petty wishes and thanks.
if there is a God, he already knows how
wonderful and terrible his world is.
he doesn't need me to tell him.
i am so lucky, and so unlucky
and my life is full of tragedy and happiness -
just like everyone else. 
i know that Micah and i will be able to
work through our religious differences,
whether it requires extensive arguments or
simple compromises.  we'll
cross that bridge when we come to it.
in the mean time, i will wait here
remembering Easter eggs
and Easter lamb, and
Easter family gatherings
and Micah will call me sometime later
and in only 5 days, i'll be getting on yet
another plane to fly yet another
1200 miles and
i'll celebrate my life the way it's meant to be celebrated.

this morning i skipped my first class
and slept in until 11, because
it seemed more worth it.  it
feels like spring outside today.
i walked down the hall in my
white bathrobe (Micah's Christmas gift to me)
turned on the shower
stripping naked and glancing in the mirror,
rounded curves, heavy thighs, pale
remembering who i am
our shower is tiny here;
a little grey-tiled cube
with a dingy blue plastic curtain
i stepped into the hot water, humming
last weekend Micah and i showered together
both of us squeezed into
too small a space; pressed against
each other, not minding.
we could barely turn around,
the water falling on and between us
his narrow waist, bony hips
slender wrists and knobbled fingers
soap film strung between us
sliding his hands over my skin
smooth and silky and slick
we talked and laughed, and gave
warm wet kisses - standing close
breast to chest and thigh to thigh
today, i stood in the shower by myself
and hummed a song alone
i felt naked, and sort of sad
because i liked our cramped showers -
shampoo in my eyes, and shuffling around
to rinse beneath the showerhead
squeezing and stretching and pushing
to get clean and be near each other.
too close was just close enough;
it felt right
i ran my own hands over my own skin
and did not feel quite so
smooth or silky or slick
part of me is missing again.
i listened to Caitlin giggling in the kitchen
with her new boyfriend, you remember -
that creep, Rob, who is still
"a really nice guy" and so they are still dating
i didn't feel like humming anymore
and my throat felt a little tight
with the warm water running down my face and
back and chest, it became difficult
to tell if i was crying,
or if i just wanted to be.

now that my eyes aren't
so puffy and red,
i'm feeling calmer
(and a little less bitter)
here we are:
Micah left last night after
9 beautiful days
our longest visit away from our families;
it was like playing house for a week.
he slept in while i went to class,
made dinner while i did homework -
we spent lazy evenings
watching old episodes of House
and making love.
we visited the MFA,
saw the Harvard Glee Club perform,
attended a Speakeasy party dressed as gangsters,
got cannoli at Mike's,
celebrated his 20th birthday...
for a week we got to pretend like we were a normal couple
like all of my friends and their boyfriends
and we sat together and drank vodka and juice
laughing about the week -
it felt right, and good
so of course, saying goodbye again
felt just as wrong (if not more) than ever
i can't believe it's been almost 2 years already;
how can i still be so in love?
hard to believe that i thought a month
was enough to know someone;
it's been 20 and i'm still learning each day
i'm sorry for being so depressing sometimes
i really am awfully spoiled - that last break
was the longest all semester: 6 weeks
we'll both be home in 11 days
granted, we'll only see each other for
perhaps a few hours, at best
but i'll be in St. Louis again in a month
and we'll both be home for the summer
part of me still wants to scream with frustration
(though i'm nearly 20; shouldn't i be more grown up
than wanting to scream?)
because we can't have the simple things -
doing homework together,
cooking dinner, watching TV
the mundanity is what i wish for the most.
anyway, i have a lot of work to do
and the harder i work, the sooner
spring break will be here.

gone again.
i'm tired of this.
i ache.

"you think you're drowning but you're not -
i would never let you"

this quote is what is getting me through this week:
knowing that he'll be here in 26 hours
and i'll feel, if not all better,
then at least not broken.

update:
i've met with MIT Mental Health
and Student Support Services
this has affected me more than i realized;
i have been told it may be PTSD
i have spent the last two days
with my emotions all over the place -
sometimes with incredible anxiety,
sometimes with utter apathy and exhaustion.
i spoke with Caitlin, who has decided she
will date him, give him a chance
because he's a "really nice guy"
and that is her perogative
(after all, if he touches her,
it'll be because she welcomed it)
i will be seeing a psychologist
and a dean sent a message to my professors
asking them to help me as much as possible
because i am struggling with a personal problem.
Caitlin and i will keep communicating;
i will get help, and she will keep him
away from here as much as possible
and i am learning:
he will never touch me again, so
as violated as i felt, it's over now
so now it's just the rest of this ridiculous week
three tests in three days,
and Micah will here in 72 hours
(that's nothing, that's nothing!)
and he will erase these awful
memories from my skin
and i'll remember what being loved feels like.

almost 3 years ago,
during a weekend visit to MIT,
a friend and i decided to stay at a
frat house (perhaps not the wisest choice,
but it was a 2 miles walk back to campus
and it was 4 am, and raining)
there were about 6 or 7 other
"prefrosh" visiting, all of us
gathered in one room at the frat
sitting in a circle, talking, late at night
we got tired; we laid down; all of us,
side by side
i was sleeping between two boys:
my friend, Kevin, and another boy
named Rob
who i didn't know; had never met
i laid down so i faced Kevin's back
and Rob was lying so he faced mine
we fell asleep and when i woke up
Rob's hand was under my shirt,
under my bra, squeezing my bare breast
and i didn't do anything -
i didn't move, i didn't scream
i didn't elbow him in the gut
and call him a pervert to his face
i just laid there, frozen
with his hand on my breast
until after a while, he moved his hand
down, across my stomach
and tried to put it down my pants
i clamped my elbow down on his wrist,
held him still so he couldn't reach
after a minute, i sat up and woke up Kevin
i said "we need to leave,"
so we did.
then tonight, i was making myself dinner
and my suitemate, Caitlin, walks into the kitchen
followed closely by a boy
when i look up, i see that it is Rob
and have to hold my breath to keep from
throwing up all over the stove.
it turns out that Caitlin is interested in Rob,
and her friend Kelly doesn't want me to tell her
what he did to me
because she doesn't think it's "that big of a deal"
and i shouldn't ruin Caitlin's potential relationship
so now i'm in my room,
cold, shivering, still feeling somewhat sick
because the boy who molested me knows where i live
knowing that if i tell Caitlin,
she and Kelly will be angry at me
knowing that if i don't tell Caitlin,
i will be forced to face him every day
biting my tongue
and hoping that somehow i "get over it".

12 days is
12 days too long;
a dozen nights alone.

one of those days
feeling a little broken
just a few cups of coffee
a hot shower, thanks
just need to settle into the p-sets
in a pool of desk-lamp-light
admittedly i am spoiled;
after all, i do have someone
who loves me very much,
and when we're in the same place
he kisses all of my fingers and toes.
but i often have to wonder -
is it better to love, and lose, and love,
and lose, and love, and lose,
than to never love at all?
don't misinterpret:
i have no doubts.
i just think, maybe it would be easier
if i weren't doing this
somedays.
here is why i am doing it anyway:
someday, it won't be love, lose, love, lose
love, lose anymore -
it will suddenly become
lovelovelovelovelove
and i will forget what the lose
ever felt like.